Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Men's Recovery Project ;or "How To Deeply Concern Friends And Alienate People."

It's been awhile and i have much to share.. Firstly, if you're reading this it should be fairly obvious that i am not dead.
You see, about a month ago a had made a very desperate and stupid mistake which; if you've been reading this blog thingy should be very obvious and therefore shall go unexplained. That said, it has set off a chain reaction of events in my life both positive and negative. Some people are concerned for my well being, while those i've alienated in my blind anger and stupidity furrow their brows at mention of my name. Which is Steven. However as I've learned in the last two weeks, I must be accountable for the mistakes that I have made. And there's a lot of them.
No longer able to keep up with a long distance relationship, i left my girlfriend of one year. Too much time spent up in my head has driven me close to the edge. Within no time she immediately picked up what ever she could find. Gee, i didn't see that one coming. Shortly after that, a friend who has recently moved to Athens found me laying on the floor of my room. He woke me up and said; "this is no good. Do you want to come to a meeting?" I knew what he meant. I said yes. After staying a day or so with him and his girlfriend, i knuckled down and went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting.
I was a bit scared at first, but finally in a room of 55 other people i said: "hello, my name is Steven and i am an addict." The attendees were warm and receptive, and i realized that i was in a room of fuckups just like myself. And it was far from the bible-thumping rhetoric i had heard horror stories about.
It has given me insight- I've since disavowed drug connections, I've deleted their names from my phone and I even pass on grass. I've stopped drinking whiskey and gone back to beer. But i have to scale myself back gradually- any person who has done this knows that it never happens overnight, but I've found that many of the people who have never had to take this measure with their lives do expect this. Expectations are premeditated resentment. I told my friend it may be a while before I give up drinking. He told me; "I don't expect you to stop. That's up to you when you can do it."
The other day i drank a six pack of beer. That's it. This from a man who can drink almost a liter of bourbon in a night. Today I've had nothing at all and as I sat in a meeting this morning, I shook and gritted my teeth. I can't move too fast, and the only people who understand this are other addicts like me. I'm shaking as i write this and the only thing on my mind is a cold beer, a cigarette and some sunshine.